Many parents today see the child-rearing approaches of earlier generations as harsh and old-fashioned. Even so, a growing number of specialists point out that certain attitudes from that era helped children become more emotionally steady and more socially minded. One theme appears again and again in these observations: the “we” clearly came before the “I”.
What parenting in earlier generations was really like
When older people talk about their childhood, they rarely describe a journey of self-fulfilment; far more often they speak about duties and consideration for others. You were expected home on time, you helped around the house, and you didn’t butt into adult conversations. It may sound strict, but it also created a structure that offered clear guidance.
"In the past, children learned early: I’m part of a community – and my behaviour has consequences for other people."
Three components were especially influential:
- Reliable rules: Whatever applied, applied to every sibling - exceptions were uncommon.
- Politeness as the norm: Saying hello, listening properly, and not interrupting were taken for granted.
- Respect for adults: Parents, teachers, and older people held authority that was rarely questioned.
This firmness wasn’t simply for adults’ convenience. The aim was to equip children to manage themselves in groups, to be considerate, and to tolerate conflict without constant debate. Psychologists describe this as social maturity: recognising that other people have needs too.
How the focus on “I” has intensified
Today’s world runs differently. Parents often take their lead from their child’s individual needs, try to shield them from frustration, and want to relate “as equals”. However well-intentioned, this can reinforce a trend already fuelled by society and media: a consistent turning inward towards the self.
Studies from several countries suggest many people experience everyday life as less considerate. Insults at school, hostile comments online, shoving on the bus - it all fits a picture of a society where protecting one’s own comfort zone has become more important than paying attention to others.
Children, in particular, absorb this mindset quickly. If they repeatedly hear “as long as you’re happy” without also learning how to get on with others, they may end up feeling responsible only to themselves. Teachers frequently report pupils who find it difficult to cope with waiting, losing, or not being the centre of attention.
Pandemic, competition, loneliness: why the issue feels bigger
The pandemic strengthened this pattern. Lockdowns, home learning, and restrictions on contact meant many families were left to cope largely on their own. Children spent far more time alone in front of screens and far less time on playgrounds, at clubs, or in group-based lessons.
At the same time, pressure at work continues to rise. Performance targets, competitive thinking, constant comparison in the workplace - it spills over into family life. Parents come home drained, with the sense that they too must keep up at all costs. That often leads to inconsistent boundaries: strict one day, then lenient the next out of sheer exhaustion.
"When you’re constantly focused only on yourself, you become lonely more quickly - and you start measuring your worth by likes, grades, or achievements."
Mental strain is increasing, for adults and for young people alike. Many professionals see a connection: where community and dependable relationships are missing, vulnerability to stress, anxiety, and the feeling of not belonging tends to grow.
How earlier values can strengthen children today through We-before-I parenting
Nobody wants to return to authoritarian times. Physical punishment, blind obedience, or fear of parents and teachers clearly belong in the past. Yet in some places, “never again harshness” has drifted into “avoid any pushback”. This is where psychologists are focusing their advice.
They argue for rethinking certain elements associated with earlier generations’ parenting:
- Community over convenience: Family rules apply to everyone, even when it’s inconvenient.
- Respect as an attitude: Children can express criticism, but they still learn to let others finish speaking and to accept instructions they don’t like.
- Dependable limits: A “no” stays a “no” - and it is explained rather than endlessly negotiated.
Teaching children early to take responsibility for other people prepares them for later life in teams, relationships, and neighbourhoods. That only works when adults model the same principle: they are not always first in line.
The underestimated value of groups for children’s wellbeing
A crucial factor is experiencing what it means to belong to a group. Sports teams, Scouts, music ensembles, youth fire brigades - in all these settings, children learn they aren’t alone and that their abilities can be useful to others.
"Groups give children stability, moments of achievement, and the feeling: I’m needed - not just admired."
Team sports, especially, offer a strong counterweight to going it alone. Playing as part of a team means passing the ball, sharing responsibility, accepting a role, being considerate, and cheering others on. What matters is the group’s result, not only an individual highlight moment.
What parents can do in practical terms
Parents have more influence than they often realise. A few approaches that work in everyday life:
- Create rituals: Set regular mealtimes when everyone sits at the table with phones away. This reinforces a sense of “we”.
- Share out jobs: Children take on age-appropriate household responsibilities - not as punishment, but as their contribution to the family.
- Let them tolerate frustration: Don’t fix every problem immediately. Children can be annoyed when they lose or have to wait.
- Make decisions together: Let children have a say in family rules, but make the final decision clearly.
- Encourage groups, not solo status: Choose a sports club or choir rather than only one-to-one tutoring and individual sports.
The role of grandparents in modern family life
Many grandparents still practise these older values - and that can sometimes cause friction with parents. They expect punctuality, “please” and “thank you”, and may feel baffled when children negotiate bedtime or dictate what will be served for dinner.
A clear framework helps. Parents can explain to grandparents which rules apply for the child, while also appreciating what grandparents bring through experience: calmness, practical life skills, and stories from a time with less consumption and a stronger necessity to stick together.
Families in which three generations speak openly about what matters to them often benefit from a broader mix of values - rather than a black-and-white choice between “strict then” and “relaxed now”.
When individualism turns into loneliness
At first glance, individualism sounds positive: everyone is allowed to be who they are. When that idea tips too far, freedom can become isolation. Children who never learn to fit in can later struggle in relationships and at work. They may feel misunderstood, treated unfairly, or rejected with little resilience.
Possible signs include a child who always needs to be the centre of attention, can’t handle criticism, or maintains friendships only when everything happens on their terms. Parents can counter this by deliberately allowing situations where the child steps back - for example, when younger siblings take priority, or when friends choose which game to play.
More balance rather than nostalgia
The answer is not to copy the parenting of the past word for word. Instead, it’s about a new balance: emotional closeness with clear boundaries, individual support with an eye on the group, self-determination with a sense of responsibility.
Parents who lovingly expect their children to sometimes comply or cope with frustration out of consideration for others are giving them something valuable. Children then understand: I matter - but I’m not the only person who matters. That experience made many grandparents resilient, and it can benefit today’s generation too.
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